Rebuilding the Ruins
I had been waiting my whole life for this one moment. I had dreamed about what it would be like since I was a little girl. There he was, on one knee, with my family and friends surrounding us. We were celebrating my 30th birthday, and now my engagement! I said yes! It was such an exciting time.
Fast forward 353 days, two months and two days before the wedding. It was the night before my bridal shower. We ended things and I was crushed. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming, but I actively fought against it throughout our entire relationship. I thought, “Relationships are tough. Love is a choice. I don’t give up on the people that I love. It’ll get better.”
But God had not blessed our relationship and I think I knew that deep down in my inner being…because that “deep down” voice was the Holy Spirit, sending me dreams and promptings for over a YEAR to separate myself from someone who wasn’t meant for me. But I literally and figuratively stiff-armed those thoughts and promptings away and trudged on in staunch determination to make it work!
But back to that bedroom floor…
The night we broke up I was angry, and hurt, and so dang frustrated! Tears streamed out of my eyes as I cried, “How could you do this God?! I thought this was your redemption story for me! I thought this was you repaying me for the years the locusts had eaten (Joel 2:25). After all, I’ve already walked through more than my fair share of heartache. The death of so many things: friendships, dreams, loved ones, plans. Can’t it be MY turn for just ONCE in my life?!?”
You see, I’ve been here with God before. This place of crying out in desperation is familiar to me. I’ve been through dark seasons of the soul. I’ve found myself in situations that I never imagined… I, Aimee, a girl who grew up in a Christian home, knew all the Bible stories, went to church weekly, and was actively involved in serving and loving her community, would ever dare partake in. But pride goes before the fall (Proverbs 16:18).
In 2018, I found myself in an extramarital affair with my best friend’s husband. Ouch. It’s still tough to say out loud. During this season, I was so blinded by sin that truth and lies started to weave themselves into one as Satan so cunningly does. My head and heart were at odds with each other because my heart had been deceived. I continuously went to the Bible, trying to hear what the Lord wanted to teach me, all the while knowing the decisions I was making were adding to my pain and confusion. He repeatedly highlighted verses about bringing darkness into light and exposing the truth (John 1:5, Ephesians 5:11-14, John 3:20, Luke 11:34, Isaiah 5:20). Of course, the light exposed the darkness, and the truth came out through the Lord’s conviction and work on my heart.
Coming out of this season was so painful. In fact, I struggled so terribly with guilt, shame, and self-loathing that I momentarily lost hope and the desire to be here anymore. Satan’s voice was turned up full volume in my ears, screaming, “Your life is over. You see all this carnage you’ve left in your wake? You’re the problem. You’re the common denominator for everyone’s hurt and pain. You might as well end it before it gets worse.” And so, without concocting a plan or time to prepare goodbye letters, I listened. I tried to take my life. But God. Being rich in Mercy. Because of the great love with which He loved me. Even when I was dead in my trespasses. Made me alive together with Christ. By grace, I was saved (Ephesians 2:4). On October 9th, 2018, God said, “No, not yet & not like this. I have so much more in store for you.”
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My healing began that day and just three days later on October 12th, God, in His perfection and sovereignty, allowed me to be present for the birth of my niece, Aimee. Yes, my brother and sister-in-law had already planned to name their second daughter after me, but I actually got to be there, in person, to witness new life be given to a new Aimee, three days after the “old” Aimee, the one weighed down by her pain and shame and guilt, had died. Again, I found myself on a tile floor in the hospital bathroom (gross, I know, but I honestly didn’t care in the moment), sobbing tears of joy over this little baby and thanking God for bringing light and life out of the darkness.
Ezekiel 34:11-12 & 15-16 says, “For thus says the Lord God: Behold, I, I myself will search for my sheep and will seek them out. As a shepherd seeks out his flock when he is among his sheep that have been scattered, so will I seek out my sheep, and I will rescue them from all places where they have been scattered on a day of clouds and thick darkness…I myself will be the shepherd of my sheep, and I myself will make them lie down, declares the Lord God. I will seek the lost, and I will bring back the strayed, and I will bind up the injured, and I will strengthen the weak, and the fat and the strong I will destroy. I will feed them in justice.”
Notice all the action words the Lord commits to? Go back and circle them in your Bible. Those are God’s promises to us as his sheep, his people, and He is a God of His word. He searches, he seeks, he rescues, he brings back, he binds up, he strengthens. A couple chapters later, the Lord promises, “I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statues and be careful to obey my rules” (Ezekiel 36:25-27).
Heart transformation is slow and steady, but God’s greatest desire for us is that we would have a heart aligned with His and that His will would become our desire. His law (or statues and rules as Ezekiel puts it) is designed for our freedom. True healing comes from walking in step with God’s Spirit.
“I have rebuilt the ruined places and replanted that which was desolate. I am the Lord; I have spoken, and I will do it” (Ezekiel 36:36 & 37:14).
God says “I am” – present. “I have” – past. “I will” – future. He is, He was, and He will always be, through the ruin and desolation and the replanting and rebuilding, not for our own sake but for the glory of HIS name. Our God is a God of healing. So, whatever happened after I walked away from the relationship I thought would be my forever? I allowed God to rebuild and replant His truths in my heart. There were days I cried endlessly and I thought I might never see a dry-eyed day again. But thank God for the community of people who rallied around me to pray with me and over me. I literally had a group of women come to my house and walk around it and within it, praying over it, and worshipping inside it, and writing scripture on sticky notes to put ALL OVER the walls of my home. It was an act of reclaiming and restoring. I took God’s word seriously. I left those sticky notes up for months so that when I walked by, sat down, rose up, or lay down, they were right there as frontlets between my eyes. They were written on my doorposts and gates, and those truths started to be written on my heart again (Deuteronomy 6:4-9). I found freedom through meditation and memorization, and just as God promised He would, He healed my heart. Intimacy with Him became my greatest desire.
Eight months to the DAY that I finally submitted to the Lord’s will, I met the man who is now my fiancé and will soon be my husband (shoutout to 11.03.23)! And check this: God is SO intentional. His divinity knows no bounds. Throughout the Bible, the number eight symbolizes circumcision of the heart through Christ and receiving the Holy Spirit. It is often associated with new beginnings and the idea of resurrection & regeneration. Of hope, new horizons, and a bright future. WHAT?!? You can’t make this stuff up. God’s hand is so intimately involved in the details and it blows me away!
Are you ready for another miracle mic-drop moment? My fiancé’s name is Jesse, which means “God’s gift”. How perfect is that? And the best part about it is that God was the healer of my heart, not Jesse. My Heavenly Father is the one who I go to for contentment, provision, strength, and rescue. And Jesse is just a tangible reminder of how much Yahweh loves me and always has my best in mind, redeeming me back to Himself whenever my heart takes me away wandering.
Healing hasn’t been linear. The word disease literally means dis-ease, a state of discontent & lack of peace in the inner workings of the body, mind, and spirit. There are still days when I struggle to find my contentment in Christ alone. But with Jesus’ power on one side and his presence on the other, dead and dying things become infinitely resurrectible. Dead dreams, dead friendships, dead plans. God may not resurrect them in the way that you want or the timeframe you had hoped, but Jehovah Rapha will heal your hurts when you surrender your heart to Him.